RPG Legends
by BES
Summary: Can the hero defeat the Army of Darkness and save the world? Rated "E" for Everyone.


(Doot doot doo)  
  
SPECTER GAMES PRESENTS  
  
(doody doot doot)  
  
BOOK ONE OF RPG LEGENDS  
  
(Doo deet dee doodly doo)  
  
RPG LEGENDS: THE DARK WARS  
  
(Doody doot DOO dadum dadum)  
  
*blink* PRESS START *blink* PRESS START *blink*  
  
(deedlydeedly doo)  
  
00:00 -File 1- 00:00 -File 2- 00:00 -File 3-  
  
(dunkadunk)  
  
*blink* ENTER NAME—  
  
H E R O _ _ _  
  
(dumdadadum... dumdadadum)  
  
It is a bad time to be alive...  
  
(thunderclap)  
  
The Evil Army of the North is raging war upon the land of Lundolin...  
  
(thunderclap)  
  
At their head is the Dark Lord, Nomake Wan, scourge of the Northern Reaches...  
  
(manic laughter)  
  
With his hordes of evil minions and incredible power, he appears unstoppable...  
  
(thunderclap)  
  
But in a sleepy little village in the mountains, a new hero has arisen...  
  
(fade to black)  
  
(doon DOON dumdumdum dun dee doooooooooooon...)  
  
(fade in)  
  
(Bird's eye view of a small village by a lake)  
  
(Zoom in on a house at the edge of town)  
  
(door opens and out steps Hero)  
  
Hero: *stretches* What a beautiful morning! This is the kind of day on which nothing bad can happen!  
  
(Thunderclap) (sky turns dark)  
  
Hero: Crap. Stupid karma. THE UNIVERSE IS LAUGHING AT ME!  
  
(lightning strikes near Hero) (Hero is knocked away by the blast)  
  
(lightning strikes repeatedly, all over the town, destroying many buildings)  
  
(Lightning strikes increase in number and focus on a large, carved stone at the center of town)  
  
(Evil laughter)  
  
(The rock explodes, revealing... An ugly demonic creature!!!)  
  
(Dum dadum DOOOOOOON)  
  
Creature: GRAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!! *rears back and bellows*  
  
Hero: Sweet holy mother of crud! What IS that thing?  
  
Creature: Well, THAT'S a nice way to put it. You people are so rude. It's always, "Ahhhh! A big, stupid monster! Everybody grab yer pointed objects and let's kill it!" You stupid humans never give it any thought in the matter that maybe, just maybe, the monstrous beast in the center of town DOESN'T want to kill any of you.  
  
Hero: Um... Sorry? But, if you're not going to kill us, then what's with all the special effects and demonic screaming?  
  
Creature: Oh, that. I haven't the faintest idea about why there was all that lightning and stuff, but as for the "screaming," there wasn't any. I was stretching. Do ya know how cramped in there it is?  
  
Hero: Um... okay... I'll buy that. Oh! I haven't introduced myself to you yet! My name's... uh... Darn. I forget what my name is. Oh well.  
  
Creature: Not very strong in the brains department, are yeh, laddie?  
  
Hero: Not really. What's your name?  
  
Creature: I am Exylochinaphmagus Xytroullynsgarde, Lord of the mountain creatures.  
  
Hero: Exeelootropiary Xylophone?  
  
Creature: ...I forgot you're an idiot. Call me Magus.  
  
Hero: Magus... I can remember that!  
  
Magus: Good.  
  
Hero: ...  
  
Magus: ...  
  
Hero: ...So... what now?  
  
Magus: I have absolutely no idea.  
  
Hero: Hmmm... I know! I'll go out on a grand adventure and vanquish the Evil Army and Nomake Wan!  
  
Magus: Nomake Wan?  
  
Hero: Yeah. Why?  
  
Magus: Nomake Wan is the man... person... wizard... thing... whatever, who sealed me up in there in the first place, four hundred years ago.  
  
Hero: Really? Wanna help me defeat him?  
  
Magus: Yes, but I can't.  
  
Hero: Why? You must be very powerful. I'm sure you could help.  
  
Magus: Um... uh...  
  
Hero: Yes?  
  
Magus: Forget it. I just can't come, all right?  
  
Hero: Oh, fine.  
  
Magus: So, when do you set off on your doomed—I mean big adventure?  
  
Hero: Tomorrow, at first light!  
  
(fade to black)  
  
All of that was a year ago.  
  
As can be expected, the hero forgot about his quest entirely.  
  
So he spent a year watching daytime television.  
  
Then he decided to go on a quest to defeat the Evil Army and Nomake Wan.  
  
(fade in)  
  
(Hero is walking along a trail in the forest)  
  
Hero: I'm a Hero... doo doo doo... goin' on adventure... doo doo doo...  
  
(humming)  
  
(A girl wearing black and red robes leaps out of the trees and attacks)  
  
(TZEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeew dum DUM dum DUM dumdum)  
  
Hero lv. 1 HP: 30 / 30  
Mage Girl Lv. 1 HP: 28 / 28  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A BIG STICK attack! (wop) 5 damage!  
  
Mage Girl uses ZAPPY SPELL THING spell! (tzorch) 5 damage! Hero is stunned! (thunk)  
  
Hero is stunned! (thunk) Just in case you didn't notice during Mage Girl's turn! (duh)  
  
Mage Girl uses THWACK attack! (wop) 2 damage!  
  
Hero is no longer stunned, but refrains from attacking this turn because he just became not stunned and used his turn to do so! (huh)  
  
Mage Girl uses LIGHT THINGS ON FIRE spell! (fwoosh) 5 damage!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A BIG STICK attack! (wop) 5 damage!  
  
Mage Girl uses a BUCKET OF ICE WATER! (fwoosh) 8 damage! Hero is soaked!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A BIG STICK attack! (wop) 5 damage! Hero is still soaked!  
  
Mage Girl uses ZAPPY SPELL THING spell! (tzorch) Hero is still soaked! 30 damage!  
  
Hero is defeated!  
  
(WOOP woop woop woo...)  
  
(Fade to black)  
  
(Fade into forest)  
  
(Mage Girl is standing over Hero, who is lying on the ground)  
  
Mage Girl: Give me all your money or I'll finish you!  
  
Hero: That... wasn't fair... Your magic... is cheating...  
  
Mage Girl: What do you mean, cheating? I'm a MAGE. Magic is how we fight. Now give me your money!  
  
(Hero struggles to get to his feet... finally, he stands, brandishing his big stick in front of him)  
  
Hero: Leave... me... alone.  
  
Mage Girl: Hah. You want another fight, after I just defeated you? Look, you can hardly stand! What makes you think you can beat me this time?  
  
Hero: Got to... try... Need... to complete quest...  
  
(Hero falls to the ground)  
  
Mage Girl: A quest? What's this? Hey! You! *kicks Hero* Tell me about this quest of yours!  
  
(Hero doesn't respond)  
  
Mage Girl: Fine. I'll heal you.  
  
Mage Girl used a HEALING POTION! Hero is revived! (dun dadun DUNDEEDLY dun)  
  
Hero: Thank you... I think.  
  
Mage Girl: You're welcome. Now tell me about your quest.  
  
Hero: Well, I'm going to defeat the Evil Army and defeat Nomake Wan—  
  
Mage Girl: NOMAKE WAN?!  
  
Hero: Yeah. You know him?  
  
Mage Girl: He destroyed my village. I'm trying to become the most powerful mage ever so that I can defeat him and avenge my village.  
  
Hero: I'm trying to defeat Nomake Wan because he's not a very nice person.  
  
Mage Girl: A noble, if moronic, cause.  
  
Hero: Thank you. Hey, what if we were to join forces to defeat Nomake Wan?  
  
Mage Girl: That's a terrible idea.  
  
Hero: Awwwww, man.  
  
Mage Girl: But wait! What if we were to join forces to defeat Nomake Wan!  
  
Hero: That's a great idea! Although somehow familiar... Oh well.  
  
Mage Girl: My name's Ame!  
  
Hero: I don't know what my name is!  
  
Ame: You're a moron!  
  
Hero: I know!  
  
Ame: ...Uh... Let's go.  
  
Ame joined your party! (doo doo doo DOODLEY DOODLEY DOO)  
  
(Fade to black)  
  
(Fade in onto the world map)  
  
(A distorted version of Hero is walking along)  
  
(walking)  
  
(walking through a grove of trees)  
  
(walking some more)  
  
(walking)  
  
(walking)  
  
(TZEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeew dum DUM dum DUM dumdum)  
  
Hero lv. 1 HP: 30 / 30 Ame lv. 1 HP: 13 / 28  
Wollywog lv. 2 HP: 40 / 40  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A BIG STICK attack! (wop) 5 damage!  
  
Ame uses HEAL spell on herself! Ame's HP is fully restored!  
  
Wollywog uses DEATH GILLS attack on Hero! (fwoosh) 10 damage!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A BIG STICK attack! Critical Hit! (WOP) 15 damage!  
  
Ame uses a BUCKET OF ICE WATER! (fwoosh) 1 damage! Wollywog repels water!  
  
Wollywog uses HURT THE OPPONENT attack on Ame! (poit) 8 damage!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A BIG STICK attack! (wop) 5 damage!  
  
Ame uses ZAPPY SPELL THING spell! (tzorch) 10 damage!  
  
Wollywog uses DEATH GILLS on Hero! (fwoosh) 10 damage!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A BIG STICK attack! (wop) 5 damage!  
  
Wollywog was defeated!  
  
(Dun dundun DUUUN)  
  
Hero Leveled Up! (doodly doo)  
  
Ame Leveled Up! (doodly doo)  
  
Ame learned LIGHT THE OPPONENT'S HAIR ON FIRE spell! (dun dundun DUN)  
  
Hero got a Level One Sword! (bombom bum dun)  
  
Ame found one healing potion! (bombom bum dun)  
  
We wonder how much longer this will go on! (wa wa wa waa)  
  
You got one Mysterious Egg! (bombom bum dun)  
  
You got 4,380 exp! (bun)  
  
You got 1,000 coins! (dun)  
  
(Fade to black)  
  
(fade into world map)  
  
Hero: YES! Our first battle together is won!  
  
Ame: What's so great about that?  
  
Hero: It means that our adventure is truly under way.  
  
Ame: I see. As long as we're on that subject, where ARE we going, anyway?  
  
Hero: To the closest town, of course!  
  
Ame: Which is where?  
  
Hero: I have absolutely no idea.  
  
Ame: Oh.  
  
(They resume walking)  
  
Hero: Walkin' on the map! I'm walkin' on the map! Doo-doo doo... walkin' on the map!  
  
Ame: Stop singing.  
  
Hero: Can I whistle?  
  
Ame: No.  
  
Hero: Hum?  
  
Ame: NO!  
  
Hero: Darn.  
  
(they continue walking)  
  
Hero: Hmm hmm hmmmm... doo doo doo... hmm hmm hmmmm...  
  
Ame: SHUT UP!  
  
Hero: Oh, fine.  
  
(They reach a town)  
  
(ka-CHUNK) (switch to town interior)  
  
-Morkabork  
  
(Our heroes walk down the main street of the town)  
  
Hero: Hey look! A Wise Man NPC!  
  
Wise Man NPC: O Wanderers from another land, please help our fair city in its time of need!  
  
Hero: What seems to be the trouble?  
  
Wise Man NPC: A giant monster has attacked the city and captured our Mayor!  
  
Ame: That would definitely be a problem, wouldn't it?  
  
Wise Man NPC: The monster's lair lies in the forest to the West! Will you help?  
  
-Yes -No  
  
(Bing)  
  
Hero: Don't worry! We'll help you!  
  
Ame: Are you sure this is a good idea?  
  
Hero: Of course it is! Maybe the townspeople will help us on our quest if we do this!  
  
Ame: Why would they do that? How do we know that they even LIKE their mayor?  
  
Hero: Why would they not?  
  
Ame: ...I don't know.  
  
Hero: So let's kick some monster butt!  
  
Ame: Oh, fine.  
  
(They leave the city and head west)  
  
Hero: Walkin' on the—  
  
Ame: DON'T YOU EVEN START.  
  
Hero: Fine.  
  
(they walk into the forest)  
  
(TZEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeew dum DUM dum DUM dumdum)  
  
Hero lv.2 HP 32 / 32 Ame lv.2 HP 30 / 30 Pigmalig lv.1 HP 20 / 20  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 8 damage!  
  
Ame uses LIGHT THE OPPONENT'S HEAD ON FIRE spell! (foom) 10 damage! Pigmalig's head is on fire!  
  
Pigmalig is DEFENDING! Pigmalig's head is still on fire! Pigmalig takes 2 damage! Pigmalig is defeated!  
  
(dun dundun DUUUN)  
  
You got 300 exp! (bun)  
  
You got 300 coins! (dun)  
  
(fade to black)  
  
(fade into world map)  
  
(Our heroes walk into the intimidating-looking Black Tower in the middle of the forest!)  
  
(shump shump shump) (switch to Black Tower interior)  
  
-The Black Tower  
  
(They enter a cavernous room with two blocks of stone and two large buttons on the floor)  
  
Hero: Look! Some sort of puzzle! It looks confusing.  
  
Ame: Let me handle this.  
  
(Ame pushes the block with the circle on it onto the button with the circle on it and the block with the square on it onto the button with the square on it.)  
  
(A door at the other end of the room opens)  
  
Hero: Wow! I would never have figured that out!  
  
Ame: ...Right. Can we move on now?  
  
Hero: Okay!  
  
(They walk through the door into another large room, but with sand, instead of a floor)  
  
Hero: This looks interesting. (He walks out into the middle of the room)  
  
(Both doors in the room slam shut and lock)  
  
Hero: I knew it! A miniboss battle!  
  
Ame: A... what?  
  
(A giant worm shoots out of the sand)  
  
Worm: GRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRGH!!!!  
  
(TZEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeew dum DUM dum DUM dumdum)  
  
Hero lv.2 HP 32 / 32 Ame lv.2 HP 30 / 30  
Sand Worm HP 50 / 50  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD ATTACK! (shing) Critical hit! 24 damage!  
  
Ame uses a BUCKET OF ICE WATER! (sploosh) 8 damage! Sand Worm is soaked!  
  
Sand Worm uses THRASH attack! (wunk wunk wunk) 15 damage to Hero! 15 damage to Ame! Sand Worm is still soaked!  
  
Sand Worm uses SPASMIC REGENERATION! (zyoooOOOOOM) Sand Worm gains 16 HP! Sand Worm is stunned! (thunk) Sand Worm is still soaked!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 8 damage!  
  
Ame uses ZAPPY SPELL THING spell! (tzorch) 35 damage!  
  
Sand Worm is defeated!  
  
(dun dundun DUUUN)  
  
You got one Tower Key! (bombom bun dun)  
  
You got 4,000 exp! (bun)  
  
You got 1,000 coins! (dun)  
  
(switch to Miniboss room)  
  
Hero: All RIGHT! We beat the miniboss!  
  
Ame: What's a miniboss?  
  
Hero: Well, it's obvious. At the top of the tower we're going to fight the monster and hopefully defeat it. The monster is the "boss" of this tower. The other creatures in this tower are probably his minions. Therefore, the second most powerful monster here is the miniboss, like a second-in- command, so to speak. Since that monster was so powerful, I'm guessing that it was the miniboss. Another clue is that it had its own room and that we actually saw it before entering battle with it.  
  
Ame: Hero?  
  
Hero: Yes?  
  
Ame: You're a moron, right?  
  
Hero: Yeah, so?  
  
Ame: THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW ALL OF THAT?!  
  
Hero: It was really obvious. Don't you ever play RPGs?  
  
Ame: ...Ah.  
  
Hero: Can we go now? I wanna fight the monster.  
  
Ame: Sure, whatever.  
  
(They cross the room and exit through the other door)  
  
(In the next room, our heroes encounter another puzzle. In the center of the room lies a big button, but there's a short wall around it. In the corners of the room are several big rocks.)  
  
Hero: Not another puzzle! These are so confusing!  
  
Ame: You're pathetic. (Ame picks up a rock and puts it on the button. The door opens)  
  
Hero: You never cease to be aMAGEing! Ha ha ha! Hahahahahaha!  
  
Ame: That wasn't funny, Hero.  
  
Hero: Riiiiiiiiiiight.  
  
(They go through the door)  
  
(The next room has a series of blocks floating in a molten pool of lava. The opposite door is locked.)  
  
Hero: Let's go!  
  
Ame: We're gonna die!  
  
(They jump from block to block across the room and unlock the door, then go through it)  
  
(In the next room, they go up some stairs)  
  
Hero: Finally, something I understand!  
  
(Then more stairs)  
  
Hero: I still understand!  
  
(And more)  
  
Hero: pant pant pant... Understand...  
  
(And more)  
  
Hero: Bluuuuuuhhhh...  
  
(And more. Then they reach the top of the stair well and go onto the roof of the tower)  
  
-Black Tower Roof  
  
(A giant red monster with claws, wings and a tail is sitting in the center of the roof, holding the Mayor in its claws)  
  
Monster: GRREEAAARRRRGH!!!! MORE FOOD FOR ME!!! GROOOOOAARRGH!!  
  
Ame: That was less than frightening.  
  
Hero: Are you kidding? This is the coolest battle yet!  
  
Ame: Whatever you say.  
  
(TZEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeew dum DUM dum DUM dumdum)  
  
Hero lv.2 HP 32 / 32 Ame lv.2 HP 30 / 30 Red Monster HP 70 / 70  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 8 damage!  
  
Ame uses a BUCKET OF ICE WATER! (Sploosh) It's Super Effective! (DUN dun DUN) 16 damage!  
  
Red Monster uses MASS HYSTERIA spell! (eeeeyaaaaaa) Hero takes 10 damage! Ame takes 10 damage!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 8 damage!  
  
Ame uses ZAPPY SPELL THING spell! (tzorch) 20 damage!  
  
Red Monster uses MASS HYSTERIA spell! (eeeeyaaaaaa) Hero takes 10 damage! Ame takes 10 damage!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 8 damage!  
  
Ame uses THWACK attack! (wonk) 6 damage!  
  
Red Monster uses MASS HYSTERIA spell! (eeeeyaaaaaa) Hero takes 10 damage! Ame takes 10 damage! Ame is downed!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 8 damage!  
  
Red Monster is defeated!  
  
(dun dundun DUUUN)  
  
Hero Leveled Up! (doodly doo)  
  
Ame Leveled Up! (doodly do)  
  
Hero learned STAB THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (dun dundun DUN)  
  
You got one Revival Potion! (bombom bun dun)  
  
You got 5,000 exp! (bun)  
  
You got 3,000 coins! (dun)  
  
(fade to black)  
  
(fade onto Black Tower Roof)  
  
Mayor: Thank you for saving me.  
  
Hero: You're welcome.  
  
Ame: Any time.  
  
Mayor: I'd love to stay and really thank you, but I've got a town to get back to.  
  
Ame: That's okay.  
  
Mayor: Actually, if you'd come by Town Hall in a little while, I've got a gift to give to you for saving me.  
  
Ame: Thanks, but no thanks. We can't accept your gift.  
  
Hero: What do you mean, Ame? What if the gift is some kind of rare weapon or item that can only be gotten from the Mayor? If we say no, we'll never know what it was! I'm not willing to take that chance!  
  
Ame: Okay, fine. Mr. Mayor, we'll come by to get this gift of yours in a little while.  
  
Hero: YES!  
  
Mayor: Okay, I'll see you two in a little while.  
  
(The Mayor leaves the Tower, and our heroes follow suit.)  
  
(Ka-CHUNK)  
  
(Fade to black)  
  
(fade to town interior)  
  
-Morkabork  
  
(Our heroes walk to the Mayor's manor)  
  
(They enter) (Ka-CHUNK)  
  
-Morkaborkan Mayor's Manor  
  
Mayor: Well, as I promised, here's your gift.  
  
Hero: What is it?  
  
Mayor: It's an egg-hatcher. I noticed that you had a Mysterious Egg on top of the tower.  
  
Hero: Oh, yeah. We do have an egg!  
  
Mayor: Well, then, I'll hatch it! (He takes the egg and puts it in the machine)  
  
(Dunkadunka dun dun DUN DUN dun DUN duuuuun)  
  
(Zooba baZOOBA BAZOOB)  
  
Mayor: Look! It's hatching!  
  
Ame: Gee, I wonder why.  
  
Mayor: What's that?  
  
Ame: Nothing.  
  
Hero: Awwwww! It's so cute!  
  
(Out of the egg pops a blue, draconic creature)  
  
Creature: Cheep! Cheep!  
  
Hero: Hi there little guy!  
  
Creature: Cheep!  
  
Ame: Hero, I wouldn't touch it if I were you...  
  
Hero: Why not? It's just a harmless little baby.  
  
(The Creature electrocutes Hero) (TZORCH)  
  
Hero: Ouch!  
  
Ame: Hero, that's a Cute Fuzzy Thing. They electrocute you on contact.  
  
Hero: Oh. What should we name it?  
  
Ame: I don't know.  
  
Hero: Ooh! Ooh! I've got an idea!  
  
*blink*  
  
C . F . T . _ _  
  
*blink*  
  
Hero: Let's call it C.F.T.!  
  
Ame: Gee, that's creative.  
  
Hero: I know. Isn't it?  
  
Mayor: You know, I DO have official, Mayor-type business to get back to. Would you mind leaving?  
  
Ame: Not at all. Let's go.  
  
Hero: Come on, CFT. Let's go.  
  
CFT: Cheep!  
  
(They leave the room) (KA-CHUNK)  
  
(fade to black)  
  
(fade to town interior)  
  
Morkabork  
  
Hero: Hey Ame?  
  
Ame: Yes?  
  
Hero: I have a... thing floating around in my brain.  
  
Ame: You mean an idea?  
  
Hero: Yeah, that's it! An iyeda.  
  
Ame: Idea.  
  
Hero: Yeah. Iyeda.  
  
Ame: I-D-E-A. Idea.  
  
Hero: That's what I said.  
  
Ame: Whatever.  
  
Hero: Anyway, why don't we go to a shop? We've got enough coins to get some really cool stuff.  
  
Ame: Like what?  
  
Hero: Oh, you know. The usual. Potions, Weapons, Armor, small explosive devices...  
  
Ame: Um... Okay...  
  
Hero: Woohoo! C'mon!  
  
(They walk to a building with an illegible sign on it)  
  
(They enter) (Ka-CHUNK)  
  
(fade to black)  
  
(fade to shop interior) O-Mart  
  
Cashier: Welcome to O-Mart, the place to go when you need to stock up on your supplies so you can defeat an evil villain and avenge one of your friends' village.  
  
Ame: That was oddly specific.  
  
Hero: I'd like to purchase six potions, a level two plated shield, that sword over there, three phoenix feathers, a magical circlet, some chain mail, a fire staff and two pairs of Hermes' Boots.  
  
Cashier: Altogether, that costs 6,754 coins.  
  
Ame: You did the math in your head?  
  
Cashier: Duh. I'm a CASHIER, lady. Hey, you sure you wanna buy all that stuff?  
  
-Yes -No  
  
(click)  
  
Hero: Yep.  
  
(ka-ching)  
  
Cashier: Here you go. Have a nice day.  
  
Hero: Thank you.  
  
(doo doo doo DOODOODOO doodoo DOO dooooooooo)  
  
You got 6 Potions! (dee) You got a Lv. 2 Shield! (dee) You got a Sharp Sword! (dee) You got 3 Phoenix Feathers! (dee) You got a Magic Circlet! (dee) You got a Chain Mail! (dee) You got a Fire Staff! (dee) You got 2 Hermes Boots! (dee)  
  
Ame: So... what now?  
  
Hero: Now we equip all this stuff!  
  
Ame: What?  
  
Menu Party Status [Items] Quest Map  
  
Big Stick (1) Potion (6) Lv. 2 Shield (1) Sharp Sword (1) Phoenix Feather (3) Magic Circlet (1) Chain Mail (1) Fire Staff (1) Hermes Boots (2)  
  
(dink) (click)  
  
Hero equipped a Lv. 2 Shield! (dun dunDUN)  
  
(dink) (click)  
  
Hero equipped Sharp Sword! (dun dunDUN)  
  
(dink dink) (click)  
  
Ame equipped Magic Circlet! (dun dunDUN)  
  
(dink) (click)  
  
Hero equipped Chain Mail! (dun dunDUN)  
  
(dink) (click)  
  
Ame equipped Fire Staff! (dun dunDUN)  
  
(dink) (click)  
  
Hero equipped Hermes Boots! (dun dunDUN)  
  
Ame equipped Hermes Boots! (dun dunDUN)  
  
(doot)  
  
(click)  
  
Ame: Ack!  
  
Hero: What?  
  
Ame: You just stood there for a few minutes, then my staff turned red, my hat disappeared, and my shoes grew wings!  
  
Hero: So?  
  
Ame: Hero, that's what most people call "just plain freaky."  
  
Hero: No, that's what most people call equipping items.  
  
Ame: Oh. Why didn't I know that?  
  
Hero: Because you're a secondary character. You don't have access to the Menu Bar.  
  
Ame: The what?  
  
Hero: The screen that shows what our stats are, what items we have, and where we've been.  
  
Ame: Uh... right.  
  
Hero: Really!  
  
Ame: Let's go.  
  
Hero: Okay.  
  
(they walk towards the exit) (Ka-CHUNK)  
  
Morkabork  
  
(they leave the city and head west across the bridge, then south)  
  
Hero: Walkin' on the map, I'm walkin' on the map, doo doo doo...  
  
Ame: Hero, how many times to de have to go over this?  
  
Hero: Go over what?  
  
Ame: DON'T SING!!!  
  
Hero: Oh, fine.  
  
Ame: Thank you.  
  
Hero: Are you sure?  
  
Ame: YES.  
  
(TZEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeew dum DUM dum DUM dumdum)  
  
Hero lv.3 HP 34 / 34 Ame lv.3 HP 32 / 32 C.F.T. lv. 1 HP 10 / 10 Pigmalig HP 50 / 50  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 10 damage!  
  
Ame uses BIG REALLY REALLY BIG BIG FIRE SPELL THING spell! (foom) 20 damage!  
  
Cute Fuzzy Thing uses KNOCK ITSELF OUT AND REALLY HURT THE OPPONENT attack! (kaBOOM) 79,502,613 damage! Cute Fuzzy Thing is downed!  
  
Pigmalig is defeated!  
  
(dun dundun DUUUN)  
  
You got 500 exp! (bun)  
  
You got 475 coins! (dun)  
  
Hero: Wow.  
  
Ame: Woah...  
  
CFT: Bleah...  
  
Hero: Oh! Right! You were knocked out by that attack!  
  
Hero used a healing potion! Cute Fuzzy Thing is revived! (dun dadun DUNDEEDLY dun)  
  
CFT: Cheep! Cheep cheep!  
  
Hero: You're welcome.  
  
Ame: I'm amazed at how powerful our Cute Fuzzy Thing is.  
  
Hero: Yeah. With that kind of attack, we'll be able to defeat Nomake Wan with no problem at all.  
  
Ame: I'm not so sure, Hero... You've never seen him in person.  
  
Hero: But you have! What makes you so unsure?  
  
Ame: Well, he's ruthlessly strong, and he doesn't stop at anything to get what he wants. I think that at our current strength, he'd turn us into ants, burn off our feelers with a magnifying glass and watch us squirm.  
  
Hero: But what about CFT's attack?  
  
CFT: Cheep, cheep cheep cheep?  
  
Ame: He's stronger than that.  
  
Hero: Wow.  
  
CFT: Cheep.  
  
Hero: So... can we go now?  
  
Ame: Yes.  
  
(They continue to head south)  
  
Hero: Walkin' on the map... Doo doo doo... Walkin' on the map... Doo doo doo...  
  
CFT: CHEEP!  
  
Ame: The Cute Fuzzy Thing is right. You're a terrible singer.  
  
Hero: What? Not you too, Cute Fuzzy Thing!  
  
CFT: Cheep cheep, cheep cheep cheep.  
  
Hero: But...  
  
Ame: No.  
  
Hero: Everyone's being mean to me today! Let's go...  
  
Ame: Fine.  
  
(walking)  
  
Hero: Hey! Dee... Dooda... deedooda... Deedoodadingly's!  
  
Ame: Hero, remember what we just told you about singing?  
  
Hero: No. But look! It's Deedoodadingly's Department Store!  
  
Ame: Oh. That's nice. Let's go.  
  
Hero: But don't you want to see what's inside?  
  
Ame: Hero, we just went shopping two minutes ago.  
  
Hero: But they might have some kind of rare item that the other shops don't carry! Aren't you curious?  
  
Ame: Not in the least. Let's GO, Hero.  
  
CFT: Cheep...  
  
(CFT runs towards the store)  
  
Ame: Not you too!  
  
Hero: CFT! Come back!  
  
(They run into the store)  
  
(Ka-CHUNK)  
  
The Department Store of Evil  
  
Hero: CFT! Where'd you go?  
  
Mysterious voice: If you ever want to see your blue dog again, come to the top floor... wooooooooo...  
  
Hero: ACKPTH! A MYSTERIOUS VOICE! Ame, I'm scared...  
  
Ame: Okay, first of all, you're supposed to be the charismatic, world- saving hero of legend. Second, that voice is coming from behind that display case.  
  
Hero: Hey look! They're having a sale on evil candy!  
  
Ame: WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!  
  
Hero: What?  
  
Mysterious Voice: Whatever you do, don't look behind this display case... Instead, go to the top floor... woooooooo...  
  
Hero: Okay. C'mon, Ame.  
  
Ame: Hero, whatever it is that wants us to go to the top floor probably also has CFT.  
  
Hero: So?  
  
Ame: It's right behind that display case!  
  
Hero: But the mysterious voice said not to look behind the display case!  
  
Ame: OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!  
  
Ame uses BIG REALLY REALLY BIG BIG FIRE SPELL THING spell! (fwoosh)  
  
The display case is incinerated!  
  
Thief: Um... Just ignore the person who was behind the display case... woooooo...  
  
Hero: See? I told you there was nothing behind the display case!  
  
Ame: HE'S STANDING RIGHT THERE!  
  
Hero: Oh. Let's get him!  
  
(TZEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeew dum DUM dum DUM dumdum)  
  
Hero lv.3 HP 34 / 34 Ame lv.3 HP 32 / 32  
Thief lv. 4 HP 40 / 40  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 5 damage!  
  
Ame uses BIG REALLY REALY BIG BIG FIRE SPELL THING spell! (fwoosh) 10 damage!  
  
Thief uses HADOKEN! (FWOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!) 500 damage to Hero! 500 damage to Ame!  
  
Yo' jus' gotta big canna WHOOP-ASS opened on ya, foo'!  
  
(fade to black)  
  
(fade to Department Store of Evil interior)  
  
Hero: Flesh... smoldering... skin... cooked to a crisp...  
  
Thief: I'll just take your valuables and...  
  
(Poofth!)  
  
(a ninja appears)  
  
Ninja: Not so fast, quickster!  
  
Thief: Quickster?  
  
Ninja: What? It's my first time saving innocent adventurers! Cut me some slack here, would ya?  
  
Ame: Okay, even I have to admit that that was pretty lame. And what's with the "Poofth" thing?  
  
Ninja: Oh, come on, guys! I'm just trying to be heroic!  
  
Thief: In any event, what makes you think you can beat me? I just Hadokenned these two clowns into submission.  
  
Ninja: Well, for one thing, I know that Hadoken can only be cast once a day.  
  
Thief: You callin' my bluff?  
  
Ninja: Yeah, I'm callin' your bluff.  
  
Thief: Then this leaves me with only ONE OPTION... (menacing chuckle)  
  
Ninja: And what's that?  
  
Thief: RUN LIKE A COWARD!!! (runs out of the store)  
  
Ninja: That was unexpected.  
  
Ame: ...And out of context. (stands up) I don't believe we've met. I'm Ame.  
  
Ninja: I'm Hana.  
  
Hero: Organs... rearranged... in alphabetical order... Bones... outside epidermal layer...  
  
Ame: Oh, right. I forgot that you don't recover very quickly.  
  
Hana: By the way, how exactly DID you two survive that Hadoken?  
  
Ame: I have a high resistance to magic. And I was standing in front of Hero.  
  
Ame used a HEALING POTION! Hero is revived! (dun dadun DUNDEEDLY dun)  
  
Hero: Skeletal structure... reassembling... extremities... returning to original postions...self narration... fading...  
  
(Hero stands up)  
  
Hero: Hi, I'm Hero. Who are you?  
  
Hana: Didn't you just hear me tell Ame my name?  
  
Hero: No. I was all the way down on the floor. And I had my toes jammed inside my ears.  
  
Ame: That's disgusting.  
  
Hero: At least they're back on my feet now!  
  
Hana: ...  
  
Ame: ...  
  
Hero: What?  
  
Ame: So, shall we go look for CFT now?  
  
Hana: You guys have a Cute Fuzzy Thing?  
  
Hero: Yeah. Man, that thing is cute and fuzzy!  
  
Ame: I am not going to dignify that with a response. Anyway, maybe it really is on the top floor.  
  
Hana: Then let's go!  
  
Hana joined your party! (doo doo doo DOODLEY DOODLEY DOO)  
  
(They go to the stairs and climb up)  
  
Hero: Hey! More stairs, which I understand!  
  
Ame: Hero, please don't start again.  
  
Hana: Did I miss something?  
  
Ame: Nothing worth storing in your memory.  
  
Hana: Okay.  
  
(They reach the top of the stairs and enter a large room filled with Zombie Sales Clerks)  
  
Hana: Hey! Those weren't there when I ran down the stairs in a cloud of smoke before saving you guys from that Thief guy!  
  
Hero: Hmmm... (Begins to think very hard)  
  
Ame: How are we going to fight all of those zombies? We've only had to fight single enemies at a time before!  
  
Hana: And I, being a new party member, have no armor or equipment to speak of.  
  
Ame: Then how were you able to use a smoke bomb before? And what about that sword you drew on the Thief?  
  
Hana: Um... That was a cutscene?  
  
Ame: A what?  
  
Hana: Just don't ask. For all purposes, I'm weapon- and armor-less.  
  
Ame: Well, I suppose I could use BIG REALLY REALLY BIG BIG FIRE SPELL THING on them until they all disintegrated.  
  
Hana: But wouldn't lighting the zombies on fire kill them slowly enough that we'd first have to battle flaming zombies?  
  
Ame: Oh right. Well, in that case, we're dead.  
  
Hero: Never fear! I'll just destroy them with the All-Mighty (and newly discovered) SWORDOKEN!  
  
Hana: The what?  
  
(TZEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeew dum DUM dum DUM dumdum)  
  
Hero lv.3 HP 34 / 34 Ame lv.3 HP 32 / 32 Hana lv.3 HP 30 / 30 Zombie Swarm lv.5 HP 600 / 600  
  
Hero used THE ALL-MIGHTY SWORDOKEN! (FWOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!) MORE DAMAGE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A ZOMBIE CASHIER'S SEVERED HEAD AT damage!  
  
Zombie Swarm is defeated!  
  
(dun dundun DUUUN)  
  
You got 500 exp! (bun)  
  
You got 475 coins! (dun)  
  
Hero: YES! It worked!  
  
Ame: The question is HOW?!?!  
  
Hana: I too am confused by the success of that attack. How on Earth did you manage to cast a spell, let alone one of that magnitude?  
  
Hero: I cast a SPELL?! That can't be right!  
  
Ame: What the--?! How can you--?! But--!! How--?! WHAT?!?!??!?  
  
Hana: Is he always this forgetful?  
  
Ame: Yes.  
  
Hero: Hey, I just had a great idea! What if you could channel some sort of vast magical energy through a sword? It would be like Hadoken, but better! It would be... SWORDOKEN!  
  
Hana: Hero, do you even remember defeating those zombies?  
  
Hero: I defeated zombies? How?  
  
Ame: With Swordoken.  
  
Hero: What's that?  
  
Hana: Perhaps it would be best if we were to continue our ascendance to the top floor.  
  
Hero: Okay. But, seriously, what is it?  
  
Ame: Nothing that concerns you.  
  
Hero: Oh... Okay.  
  
(They go to the stairs and climb up)  
  
(TZEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeew dum DUM dum DUM dumdum)  
  
Hero lv.3 HP 34 / 34 Ame lv.3 HP 32 / 32 Hana lv.3 HP 30 / 30  
Killer Stairs lv. 2 HP 50 / 50  
  
Ame: What the hell?!  
  
Hero: Hey! We're not allowed to talk during battle! And watch your language; this game is rated "E!"  
  
Ame: ...What game?  
  
Hero: Shhhhh! Less talking, more smacking the monsters!  
  
Hero used HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 10 damage!  
  
Ame uses ZAPPY SPELL THING spell! (tzorch) 20 damage!  
  
Hana uses SUPER NINJA SPECIAL EFFECTS COMBO technique! (Shoom! Boom!) *Lens Flare* (Whoosh! Pow) *Background fade* (KraKOW!) 10 damage!  
  
Killer Stairs uses COUNTER! (shwoop) Hana takes 10 damage!  
  
Hero uses HIT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD attack! (shing) 10 damage!  
  
Killer Stairs is defeated!  
  
(dun dundun DUUUN)  
  
You got 837.22 exp! (bun)  
  
You got 300 coins! (dun)  
  
You got one Stair Talisman! (bombom bum dun)  
  
Hero: Oh, this is just PERFECT.  
  
Ame: What? We won, didn't we?  
  
Hero: Yeah, but we got 837.22 exp! A DECIMAL! Do you know what kind of cramming I'm going to have to do to fit all those digits onto the stat page?  
  
Hana: Why don't you just leave the extra .22 on the ground or sell it to an NPC or something?  
  
Ame: What are you two TALKING ABOUT?! Exp? Stat page? NPC? What does all that even mean?!  
  
Hero: Oh... um... technical terms?  
  
Hana: For... um... coupons?  
  
Ame: You're crazy, the both of you.  
  
Hero: Can we go now? I have the attention span of a... *continues up the stairs*  
  
Hana: I just thought of the good part about this situation!  
  
Ame: Really? This situation has a good part?  
  
Hana: Yeah!  
  
Ame: What is it?  
  
Hana: We can take as much stuff from this store as we want, because everything in it is either dead or will be dead when we kill it!  
  
Ame: Heeeeeey... You're right! We CAN take as much free stuff as we want!  
  
Hero: Come on, guys! As the main party, we're legally not allowed to go farther than ten feet apart, except during cut scenes, mini-games and special circumstances, such as the capture of a party member like CFT! And I really want to get going!  
  
Ame: All right! All right! We're coming!  
  
Hana: Now let's go steal stuff!  
  
Ame: Yeah!  
  
Hero: Hey, wait a minute! Why are you so happy, Ame? You never do happy! 


End file.
